mental health · skincare

how i fucked my face (1/2)

I can be relied on for a number of things. Not like, remembering birthdays or being where I’m supposed to be, when I’m supposed to be there. I can be relied on for important stuff, like the lifting of heavy-ish boxes and remembering exactly why we hate Carol from your office (you know what you did, Carol).

Most of all I can be relied on to take a bad situation and make it immediately ten times worse. It’s a gift.

Last week I was pissed off. A new product had caused a very minor break out on my jaw line and because I don’t patch test, I didn’t know who the culprit was. The betrayal stung worse than the break out.

Okay, time for a full disclaimer. My skin has always been okay, aside from some hyperpigmentation issues and the usual dryness/dehydration complaints. But because I am not wired quite right, this means any tiny perceived imperfection must be obliterated with extreme prejudice and no mercy. I like to think of it as the slash and burn approach to skincare and indeed, my life. Complete and utter overreaction, every. single. time.

Decisions were made that I’m not proud of. Put it like this, do you remember Roald Dahl’s George’s Marvellous Medicine?

George’s Marvellous Medicine is a whimsical and light-hearted children’s book about a boy called George who mixes up his own brand of medicine to give to his nasty old grandma. The medicine is made up of all sorts of  household goodies, like gin and shoe polish and anti-freeze, yum. Spoiler alert. Grandma blows up.

Silly George. 

George, however, was eight years old. I am not eight years old, so I’m at a loss to understand why I take a similar approach when approaching a pretty minor skincare issue.

What I’m saying is that everything went on my face. Acids? Fuck yeah! Physical exfoliants? Bring it! Just slap it on, mix it about and BOOM.

Yeah, boom is about right. Three days ago I had fairly normal skin, with a few blemishes you could barely see. The good news is that you can still barely see the blemishes. My raw, chapped cheeks are much more noticeable.

It’s interesting to me, how I am unable to to cope with any imperfection. And how I immediately panic and end up making it a hundred times worse. Right now I’d trade my sore and painful cheeks for those blemishes in a heartbeat.

I’m making a note of this because it could have all be avoided by one simple step. Being kind to myself. Hopefully I’ll remember next time.

(Spoiler alert – next post is how I unfucked my face)


mental health · satire

depression beauty tutorial

Hi guys! Come on in, today we are going to do a depression beauty tutorial! And uh, can you close the blinds please? And maybe like, stop smiling because I can see your teeth and that is reminding me that there is a skeleton inside all of us, which reminds me that we are all going to die. Thanks!

So the first step of our tutorial is to make sure you’re alone. If there are people around who “love you” (as if that’s possible) they might ask unhelpful questions like, what the fuck are you doing or maybe you’d feel better if you went outside, yes? Urgh, haters!

try hiding!

The best thing about this routine is that it is so versitile. You can do it anywhere, like your bed, or the bathroom floor, or even sitting in the bottom of your shower.

its like a spa!

Okay, so let’s prep your face. Smush all your hair out of the way as best you can. Think about the can of dry shampoo in the other room. Remember that the other room is, well, the other room. Forget about the dry shampoo.

Mist your face with your favourite spritzer. I recommend the half empty glass of water next to your bed. Or if you’re in the bathroom, just wipe your face with that damp towel you left on the floor some time ago. See how easy this is?

make sure you have lots of half full glasses to choose from!

Dry your face on the shirt you slept in. Or, use that towel again! I love multi use products, don’t you? 

pretend it’s a friend and then violently reject it

The next step really depends on your budget and commitment levels. Dental care is super important, you guys! You can brush your teeth the regular (boring) way, but why not save time and just rub some toothpaste around your mouth with your finger? Tip! Try not to think about death. If you haven’t splurged on toothpaste, gum is affordable and can usually be found in the bottom of your backpack. 

Time to tone! Here’s my secret product for toning and hydrating your skin. Tears. Hot, wet, salty, lonely tears. Make sure you pat them in. DO NOT RUB, JESUS, ARE YOU AN ANIMAL?

Note – if your meds have run out, this is a great time to try the famous 7 Skin method. Just have a really good think about how alone you are and how you wish you could just unzip your skin and walk away. Voila!

every. fucking. month

If you’re feeling tired, now is a good time to nap. I recommend sixteen to twenty hours. You can multitask by pulling the cleanest part of your bed sheet over your face. Your tears will cling to the sheet, creating your own personalised sheet mask for long lasting hydration.

As all us beauty gurus know, the last and most important step in a routine is SPF. HAHAHA. Only joking! You’re not going outside, or within six feet of a window. Do something fun with that time you saved, like read concerned texts from your friends and family. Don’t reply though. They’ll only text back. Total haters!

Thanks for joining me for this depression beauty tutorial! I hope it was helpful.

Now please leave. I have a wall to stare at and I’m way behind.

my actual staring wall!

(Disclaimer – this. is. a. joke. Mental illness is serious, deadly and frankly, deserves to be mocked. People with a mental illness do not ever ever ever deserve to be mocked. See the distinction? Oh and also that’s not my actual meds. I’m not putting that online, thanks #boundaries)

mental health

cure depression by washing your fucking face


I jest.

But really, is that such an outlandish statement? In a world where green juice and yoga are touted as a miracle cure for everything from cancer to OCD?

(Side note – a wise owl once said to me that “unasked for advice is criticism in disguise”. My ma once said, “tell them to get tae fuck”. Stop with the home remedies people, JFC. Show me a peer-reviewed, replicable scientific study or get out)

So here we are. In a shock to nobody, I have depression, as well as an exciting array of other quirks, brain fuck ups and just weird shit.

Plus, I’m uh, “between opportunities” at the moment and for someone who has based their entire image and self worth on work, that’s fucking hard man.

So hard that sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t mean having a lazy sleep, I mean, if the house was on fire I’d shrug. Typical. Fire now? Sigh. I’ll sort that… tomorrow.

I think the cruellest thing about depression is how it sucks the joy out of things that you love. Hobbies? I guess blinking is a hobby, right? 

I love skincare and I love talking about it. But at the moment it feels like I’m carrying the world between my shoulder blades and I can’t stop for a minute or else… something something.

Yeah, I fucking know, Mr Williams. But the day has seized me, chewed me up and spat me out. (Also you are an angel and I love you and always will)

So. We are where we are. And I have had to reassess my expectations. I’m not going to save the world today and that’s FINE (it isn’t). If all I can do in a day is wash my face, that’s enough. For now.

Except! Something happened when I made that sad little commitment to myself. If I washed my face I might as well get in the shower to clean it off. If I’m in the shower I might as well wash my hair. If I’m washing my hair I might as well wash my body and brush my teeth and now I have to moisturise and then and then.

It sounds crazy but hi, welcome to my head. Washing my face is a reminder that I am worth taking care of. If we strip all the reviews, all the HG gloating, all the haul posts away, isn’t what this is about?

You, and I, are worth taking care of. If you can’t take care of yourself, ask someone else to help. Your brain might lie and say people are awful and cruel, but unless you’re in high school, that is a lie. People are kind and need to help others. Ask for what you need and if the people around you can’t give it, find people who can. Find the other weird glow worms. And don’t give up. Don’t give up washing your face. It’s a moment in each day you can touch your face with love and kindness. The way we all should be touched.

I’ll finish up now with more wise words from the late, great genius, Mr Robin Williams. The man who taught me to be funny.

(Dicks are fucking hilarious)

(PS, go wash your face. It’ll be okay I promise)